Friday, September 04, 2015

Momentary feelings in me ^^

Summer was quickly fading away. it gives me that sad realization that summer is quickly waning. It is silly to ponder though. Today is a bright beautiful summer day outside. August flew by in much the same manner as July. Busy.
Autumn it always seems to come too soon, when we're still thinking about summer days. I have found it even harder this year, since the summer was so wet(creepy creature) and cloudy and because of that murder case I experienced a dreadful days every time.  Sin-dey(soul of dead people) getting into ones soul and speaking? Was that true? Do ones soul gets into another person and talk? Sigh! Gloomy-Scary-Tried… and I feel my home as hunted house, broom lying on the floor, a drop of water falling in the bathroom, a rush of wind disturbing my window curtains made me to run away from home… I was sick of these feelings since last few days. I called my mom to be here with me and she is the only best friend that I owe here. My girls here in the hostel always accompanied me before the arrival of my mom :)…
Photo: Google Rinpoche...:P
Tomorrow I have planned a rimdro (puja) at home, I hope every big-small demons living inside my home will be chased away and I will gain peace in my mind. :P I don’t know why I am feeling like this, since then I used to be a very strong girl. When I was growing up my parents always told me how strong I was. As a homeschooled student, I didn’t feel that I could properly gauge that for myself. What happened today?  I distinctly remember the thinking of my dad, “does my dad really think I am strong? Or is he concerned that I am not too strong and that is why he tries to encourage me?, my dad says I can even kick all demons and with full of praise I used to walk alone towards rest room in the evening... I struggled with this question until I get into high school, feeling uncertain about myself and my abilities. You know, when I was young I used to pretend that I wasn't afraid of anything.  It made me feel cool - like I was braver than most people.  If my mom called me on my bluff and asked me to dispose of waste food in bin, I would put on my battle-face and do my best to get rid of it without letting the panic bubble to the surface. 
I don't pretend anymore. It was a genuine fear that I had and today finally I proved to be a weak lady, with all dreadful fears in my mind… Wearing feeling of fear in mind is awful … you know yesterday, I was on my way to monitor breakfast, in between dining hall and my home lies kitchen, and I just wanted to enter kitchen, since students were yet to settle for breakfast.
I entered kitchen. I saw Auu N**a(cook) sitting comfortably on a chair, with his crossed legs and he was genuinely smiling at me but I ended up saying, “Azaiii” and came out... L what he might have felt looking at my reaction? I really need to get out of these creepy feelings. But  how??
I was neither a huge movie watcher nor an enthusiast reader but these days’ beautiful-emotional movies and smooth good books became my only friends to drain out my scariest feelings.Everymorning I have held back my brother till girls return from their morning studies, I don’t care if he delays in reaching to the school. I am selfish here however, I had no way out. I called my mother to be with me atleast for a month, “We have lots of work back at home, it’s a season to harvest cardamom, to uproot the weeds from the paddy field, not only that she also have to look after the poultry and dairy back at home.’ That’s the sentence spoke by my dad when I proposed and forced my mom to be with me at lest for a month. “Dad, I will be keeping her for a week only,” I declared.  She reached here yesterday, I am happiest of all to be with mom and now my scariest feeling is also fading away. My mom talks nonstop, unlike me.  I am praying and wishing hers long stay with me.
You know, I cannot watch movie on my laptop or in my small TV screen. So,I always take projecteor of IT lab down to my home and project movies for myself. I prefer more of animated movies and bollyhood…which were more up my alley to fulfill my su-tumn scoop... behind this I also started to offer daily prayers to KenchoSum. Now becoming a good lady infact :P haha…
Every time your heart starts to beat out of your chest from fear, being uncomfortable, or getting stuck in a house where nothing is familiar, it’s a great reminder that you’re alive.
P.S: Auu  N**a(cook), he returned that day to school from him being the victim of getting soul of our  late student Sonam Dorji(That is the reason I ended up saying aziii :P) … I have lighted butter lamp for you, recited long prayers to you dead soul Sonam, please find your way to heaven and RIP. 
To my friend here, every day that you wake up alive and healthy is a great day. Never forget that.

Thanks for being with me.
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